5 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore, According to a Therapist - VICE
Many people falsely assume their relationship is healthy simply because they feel physically safe with their partner. But while they might not need to worry about aggression or violence, they often overlook emotional harm.
Here are five signs you might be in an emotionally unsafe relationship.
No matter how compatible you might be with your partner, you’re bound to disagree from time to time. In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable voicing your own opinions and preferences.
“If there are negative reactions (anger, ridicule, retaliation) when expressing an opposing viewpoint, then silence may be maintained in order to avoid those consequences,” says Kat Grassetti, LCSW, Women’s Health Specialist and Clinical Director at Monima Wellness Center. “Emotional safety is being able to express differing viewpoints without fear of a negative reaction.”
When we feel emotionally safe with a partner, we usually can trust them with our deepest secrets, anxieties, and traumas. However, an unsafe partner might use those vulnerabilities against you.
“Pay attention when your private fears, insecurities, or other personal experiences of pain that you trusted them with are used as weapons against you during conflicts,” says Grassetti. “A good partner will protect what you share about yourself instead of using it for harm.”
In an emotionally unsafe relationship, your partner might constantly question your lived experiences or cause you to doubt your own reality.
“The above pattern has been repeated to you many times as a way to tell you that the event(s) in question didn’t occur as you believe they happened,” says Grassetti. “Or, even worse, your reaction was (is) unreasonable. Eventually, this can lead you to doubt your own judgment and rely solely upon your partner’s account of what actually happened.”
Unfortunately, some emotionally unsafe partners use their affection as a reward you must earn rather than an expression of love, care, and connection. When dating a partner like this, you might filter your honest thoughts/feelings to avoid rejection and receive the affection you’re craving.
“Healthy connections provide a foundation for people to express their frustration with an action/behavior without causing others to question whether they have earned that emotional space,” Grassetti says. “When there are no consequences of expressing your feelings (i.e., you do not lose the one you love as a result), it is easier to be honest about your expectations.”
Our boundaries keep us safe. When a partner actively crosses them or pushes back, they are essentially communicating a lack of respect for you. This can quickly spiral into an emotionally (and even physically) unsafe dynamic.
“A partner doesn’t need to agree with all of your boundaries; however, they should be willing to honor them,” says Grassetti. “When someone repeatedly pressures you after you’ve said ‘no’, pushes beyond what you’ve agreed upon, [or] makes you feel bad about setting a limit (or other forms of coercion), that’s a very serious red flag.”
