5 things couples should discuss before marriage - Punch Newspapers

Weddings in Nigeria are often marked by elaborate celebrations, colourful ‘Aso-Ebi’ outfits, grand entrances and prayers from family members and religious leaders. Many couples tend to spend months planning the ceremony, choosing venues, outfits and vendors, but discussions about what life will look like after the wedding may receive less attention. Understandably, many couples spend months or even years going on dates, enjoying fine dining, visiting cinemas, taking boat cruises, attending karaoke sessions, visiting resorts and shopping malls, without deliberately setting aside time to ask themselves important questions and seek honest answers. There is also an observable trend of social media reducing the quality and depth of communication among intending couples, though it rarely stops them from talking altogether. Instead of a total lack of communication, phones and apps often replace meaningful, face-to-face interaction with constant digital distraction. Notably, marriage remains highly respected in Nigerian society. But a number of couples are quietly separating, filing for divorce, or living apart. Claims about Nigeria’s divorce rate have circulated online, though no reliable official national data supports some of the figures in wider circulation. The absence of hard numbers doesn’t mean the problem is overstated. Nigeria recognises statutory, customary and Islamic marriages, but not every marriage or separation is recorded through the formal court system. Behind many troubled marriages are disagreements and mismatched expectations that were never discussed before the wedding. A mother of four, Mrs Veronica Olabisi, said, “Marriage cannot survive on vibes, emotions, or chemistry alone. Feelings can change, attraction can rise and fall, and physical beauty naturally changes as the years go by. What gives a marriage lasting strength is shared values, clear understanding, compatibility, and maturity.” She added that before committing their lives to each other, couples need to have uncomfortable and difficult conversations.See more Punch stories on Google.Add Punch on Google “No pretending, no avoiding difficult subjects, and no telling each other only what they want to hear. Couples should also avoid entering marriage with the belief that they can change their partner after the wedding,” Olabisi said. That is why choosing a life partner is often advised to involve more than simply asking, “Do I love this person?” A number of marriage counsellors are of the opinion that love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. Here are five areas couples should iron out before tying the knot: Know your genotype “Genotype incompatibility remains a preventable source of strain in some Nigerian marriages, particularly where both partners carry the sickle cell trait,” Olabisi noted. She warned against letting emotion, prayer or informal testing substitute for confirmed laboratory-conducted genotype results. “I have seen couples rely on faith alone instead of a proper lab test, and it’s usually their children who pay for that decision. Get tested together, and get it confirmed by a lab you trust, not just one partner’s word,” Olabisi added. Many wives are sexually frustrated, are husbands aware? My marriage… With Oyinkansola Olaleye Is your marriage just holding your family together or shaping it? Discuss gender roles Nigerian society is changing, with more women becoming educated, financially independent and career-focused. For example, a patriarchal man may expect final authority, while a feminist woman may expect equality and shared decision-making. If such expectations are not discussed, conflict can arise over money, housework, careers, friendships, and major decisions. Olabisi urged couples to be honest about these expectations rather than assuming love will make differences disappear. Talk about finances Money can become a source of conflict when couples have different expectations about spending, saving and supporting family members. This can be particularly important in Nigeria, where married couples may also have financial responsibilities towards parents, siblings and other relatives. “Intending spouses should agree in advance on joint versus separate accounts, how bills will be split, how much each partner can commit to extended family, and what spending requires a joint decision. Transparency about income, debt and financial goals leaves less room for secrecy to take hold,” a marriage counsellor, Mrs Kehinde Ogunsola, advised. Conflict resolution Every couple disagrees; what determines a marriage’s durability is how those disagreements are handled. Left unaddressed, arguments can turn into insults, silent treatment or degenerate into other forms of emotionally harmful outbursts. “Decide your red lines before the wedding, not in the middle of a crisis. Couples should identify what they won’t tolerate, including violence, abuse, infidelity and serious financial secrecy, and agree in advance on how to de-escalate heated arguments and who to turn to when they can’t resolve something alone,” Ogunsola advised. Discuss children and family planning Couples often discuss how many children they want without discussing how they will raise them, or what they will do if conceiving proves difficult. Family pressure to have children quickly can add stress well before any medical issue is diagnosed. Ogunsola advised couples to treat fertility challenges as a shared problem rather than a matter of blame. “Nobody plans for infertility, but a lot of couples let family pressure turn it into blame before they have even seen a doctor together. Couples should agree early that whatever happens, they are solving it as a team,” she said. Kindly share this story:

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