Introducing ‘Spectatoring,’ the Bedroom Habit That Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life - VICE

Being hot seems like it would mean better sex. It doesn’t. Some of the most gorgeous people alive are still lying there sucking in their stomachs, and some guy with a dad bod and zero shame is having the time of his life. 

Sex therapist Marty Klein hears some form of this from clients every week. “Lots of nice-looking people don’t enjoy sex, and lots of plain-looking people do,” he wrote in Psychology Today. What’s more important is how attractive people feel in their own bodies. People who feel good about themselves usually want sex more and enjoy it more, even if they’d never get mistaken for a Hemsworth.

Sex researchers have had a name for this for years now. Masters and Johnson called it spectatoring, when you start watching yourself from the outside in the middle of sex. Your body is still there, but your brain has wandered off to think about things from a third-person perspective. 

By doing that, though, you could struggle with reaching orgasm. Sex therapist and psychologist Laurie Mintz told The Everygirl that spectatoring can make climaxing extremely difficult because you’re no longer fully inside the experience. It’s hard to relax when all you’re thinking about is how your ass looks from behind. 

Social media has predictably made this exponentially worse. Klein points out that comparing yourself to celebrities is pointless anyway, since “when people compare themselves to movie stars, they’re looking at another species of human being.” Instagram is a little sneakier because it feeds you regular people with perfect lighting, good angles, and tons of filtering and editing. But it still leaves you thinking, “If you just put enough effort in, you could look like that too.”

For people who practice this habit, it usually doesn’t stay restricted to the bedroom. “If someone is frequently engaged in spectatoring during sex, it’s highly likely that they are disconnected from their body in other areas of their life as well,” Nicole Davis, clinical director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York, told Women’s Health.

The cruel joke is that worrying about how you look can get in the way of the thing you were hoping to look good doing. Your partner is already there, and they’re clearly into it. You’re allowed to do that too.