Parents should 'urgently' discuss sexual choking with their children - ABC News & Headlines – Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Experts say parents need to talk about the growing trend of sexual strangulation with their older children and body safety with younger kids. (Adobe Stock: Marco)

Sexual choking or strangulation is common among young people and, following the recent death of a 16-year-old girl from Sydney, parents may be wondering how to talk to their children about the risks.

The girl is believed to have lost consciousness and had a seizure as a result of asphyxiation after allegedly being choked during consensual sexual intercourse.

Research in 2024 surveyed 4,702 young Australians aged 18 to 35 and found 57 per cent had been strangled during sex.

There is an "urgent" need for parents to discuss the risks of sexual strangulation with their children, says Vanessa Hamilton, a sexual health educator and author of Talking Sex: A Conversation Guide for Parents.

"This is such a serious issue. The average age of exposure to pornography is 13 years old — and as young as eight — in Australia.

"Our kids need us to help navigate that. They have a human right to accurate information about their bodies and respectful relationships."

Ms Hamilton says even younger children can be taught about protecting their necks in a non-sexual context.

Sexual choking or strangulation is when pressure is applied to the neck to restrict air or blood flow during sex, explains Women's Health NSW senior project officer Jackie McMillan, who worked on the sexual violence project It Left No Marks.

People may also call it breath play, using a chokehold, being pinned, or suffocated.

Ms McMillan says sexual choking is a high-risk sexual activity and there is no safe way to engage in it.

Risks include serious injury, brain injury and death. There can also be legal consequences, even if the activity is consensual.

Medical experts and safety advocates prefer the more accurate term "strangulation", but colloquially it is referred to as "choking".

Ms McMillan says that "starting with the language of violence" can turn young people away.

"If you talk to young people about sexual strangulation, they think it's something they're not doing. They think strangulation is about violence, they think the term is stigmatising and not about sexual expression," she says.

Chanel Contos, founder and CEO of Teach Us Consent, says using the more recognisable term choking can be a way to open a dialogue, before explaining why strangulation is more accurate.

"Using the correct term helps convey the seriousness involved," she says.

Chanel Contos founded Teach Us Consent to help young Australians practice affirmative consent and respectful relationships. (ABC News: Callum Flinn )

Young people want practical, honest information about sex, Ms Contos says.

"What the actual physical risks are, how to say no without being shamed for it, and how to raise boundaries with a partner before anything happens, rather than navigating it in the moment.

"Ultimately, the education they're asking for comes back to consent … as an ongoing and informed conversation."

Ms Hamilton says parents needn't worry that talking about sex will encourage their children to become sexually active.

"Providing information is not giving permission.

"The research shows the more information young people have, the less likely they are to go out and do it.

She says lessons about consent and body safety should begin in infancy, for example using the correct names for body parts and narrating nappy changes, and continue throughout a child's life.

Learning about strangulation can begin with young children in the context of play, Ms Hamilton says.

"You can say 'You never touch anybody's neck. Never prevent someone from breathing.'"

Ms McMillan says: "We talk about heads and necks being precious in football … we can talk about the neck being a delicate area."

As children age and have access to the internet, Ms Hamilton says parents can be more specific.

In the 2024 research referenced earlier, respondents said they found out about sexual strangulation most commonly in pornography (61 per cent) but also through movies, friends and social media.

"We should be talking about respectful, pleasurable partnerships, what it looks like to have a positive sexual encounter," Ms Hamilton says.

"What they are seeing in scripted pornography isn't an accurate view of what a pleasurable sexual encounter is."

Ms Contos says the most important starting point for older children is that "there's no safe way to engage in strangulation" and to explain the risks.

"Many young people report being strangled without any conversation or agreement at all, and even when someone believes they've consented, they're often unaware of just how serious the risks are, meaning their 'consent' is uninformed.

"It's also important to emphasise that saying no to strangulation doesn't make someone boring … there is nothing prudish about sex without violence."

Experts say it can be easier to talk to children about consent during mundane moments of the day, rather than having a formal "sit-down" talk. (Pexels: Nicola Barts)

Parents can discuss the gender expectations behind sexual strangulation, Ms Contos says, and unpack what messages that might send about women's and men's roles in relationships.

"Girls, who more frequently say they've been strangled without their consent, therefore need to understand their right to say 'no' to things they are uncomfortable with, even to people they may love or want acceptance from.

"Boys are more likely to absorb the message that initiating this is expected or even normal, and need to understand that this is not something they're supposed to be doing by default."

Ms Hamilton says we need to support boys to recognise harmful messages they receive online from the manosphere, for example.

Teaching kids about media literacy should start young, Ms Hamilton says.

"You turn on commercial radio and it's full of rubbish you can call out and encourage kids to think critically about."

Ms Contos says children are exposed to media presenting an unequal dynamic between men and women everywhere.

"Building that critical lens early means that when they do encounter pornography, they're already equipped to question what they're seeing rather than absorb it as normal."

Ms Hamilton says parents should look for "teachable moments".

"Be ready to see the opportunities, such as when you hear something on the radio.

"Talking in the car is a great place as you are facing forward and not looking at each other."

For unexpected questions, Ms Hamilton recommends approaching with honesty.

"Say, 'Wow, I didn't expect that question and I don't know how to answer. Give me a bit of time as it's an important one.' Or 'Let's look into that together.'"

For parents who feel they have waited longer than they should have to talk about sex with their child, Ms Hamilton says to acknowledge that.

"Say things like, 'No-one spoke to me about this and I don't want this to be the case for you. I'm sorry I haven't brought this up already.'"