The Mental Health Habit That Feels Like Self-Care but Is Actually Holding You Back - VICE

We’ve made impressive mental health progress in recent years, thanks to the younger generations’ willingness to seek professional help and admit their struggles, as well as more prevalent mental health resources at our disposal. Individuals are now setting firmer boundaries with loved ones, prioritizing their emotional well-being, and practicing self-care to support their healing.

However, as with many things in life, the pendulum sometimes swings a bit too far in the other direction. While we might not push ourselves too hard without any rest or self-compassion anymore, many people are leaning into the other extreme: self-coddling.

I, myself, have partaken in both patterns: I’ve been the person holding myself accountable for absolutely every minor mistake or mishap in my life, beating myself to a pulp and diving into self-help like it was my bible; and I’ve also fallen into the habit of coddling myself, using my anxiety as an excuse to lash out at loved ones or miss out on important milestones.

While it’s necessary to understand your own limits and meet your own needs, there comes a point where self-care morphs into self-coddling. Here’s how to tell the difference. 

According to Sarah Razo, licensed therapist (LCSW) at Centered Healing Therapy, “Self-coddling is over-engagement with behaviors or activities that feel good, or overemphasis on behaviors that protect you from distress or discomfort.”

“In the short term, this feels great, energizing, and can be seen as self-care, but over time this can actually be harmful and reduce resiliency and growth,” she adds.

Self-coddling might look like over-indulging in sweets as a source of comfort, refusing to have difficult conversations because you don’t want to face the discomfort of confrontation, failing to compromise in a relationship, or repeatedly missing work deadlines while quoting mental health as an excuse.

While some of these instances are entirely understandable on occasion, self-coddling should not be a default coping mechanism, as it can prevent you from taking accountability, learning, growing, and healing. In fact, it can actually be disempowering to continuously coddle yourself instead of pushing yourself when necessary and feasible.

Simply put, self-coddling feels good. Why wouldn’t we want to do it?

But too much of anything can quickly turn negative.

“It’s natural to want to have more positive and pleasant experiences in life, but when you are only engaging in those experiences, you are detaching from reality and reducing your ability to be resilient when an unavoidable challenge or hardship comes your way,” says Razo. “You lose your ability to navigate challenges and rob yourself of opportunities to grow.”

I’m a firm believer that some self-coddling is completely okay, so long as you are also holding yourself accountable and not remaining stuck in a victim mindset. Sometimes, we really are a victim of something: a mental health disorder, a chronic illness, an unspeakable trauma. It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself and process your grief on occasion, but don’t stay there for too long. That’s when it becomes toxic.

“A healthier way to care for yourself looks like increasing balance in your life,” says Razo. “Engage in the challenging task, like getting the chores done or having the uncomfortable conversation with your partner, and also allow space and time to rest, repair, and reset.”